A Letter To Riza Hernanda
December 10, 2014
there is no poetry in this—
as much as i am tempted to compare grief with tear gas,
to describe this missing you as a fist in my chest
and talk about how the birds have left the attic,
i just can't find the poems in the fact
you are not here.
August 4. 2014.
It has been 4 months since your life was taken from you so suddenly at the tender age of 26. It has been 18 weeks since I last saw you and heard your laugh. It has been 128 days since your mom and family and your fiancé (maybe?) were last able to tell you they love you in person. It has been 3072 hours since so many lives were flipped upside down after hearing of your passing that one cold August morning. Quite frankly, it's been too long.
It's hard to believe how fast time has passed since we last spoke. Some days I sit back and think to myself that all of this is a dream and that I will see you again — I'd give anything for that to actually happen.
Every single moment of every single day since that dreaded phone call, I search. I search for signs from you to let me know you are with me and that you are okay. I search for anything that remotely reminds me of you. The saying goes, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone," and after losing you, someone close to me, I can't help but cringe at the statement. It's painful that it took you dying for me to truly realize you're such a really really really good friend of mine. It took you leaving this Earth and entering a world in which I have no knowledge of to realize how great of a friend you were.
I am so sorry.
I have the deepest regret for never expressing my admiration and thankfulness for you in my life. I hope what I'm writing here shows you something.
I catch myself looking through your pictures on social media without even realizing that I'm doing it — it just happens out of habit at this point. The sound of your voice makes me smile. It is so comforting and always helps when I'm feeling a little sadder than other days. You've kept me laughing for years and still do even without being here physically, it's incredible, isn't it?
I think back to the times you annoyed the hell out of me, but I am so thankful I caved into your radiant personality every time. Maybe it was your dorky smile or your contagious laugh or possibly your horrendous moves. It was probably a combination of everything. Either way, I could never stay mad at you HAHAHA
I cherish every moment I was able to spend with you, and I know I am not just speaking for myself. I could honestly write forever about you but I wanted to keep this short. Thank you for that. Thank you for being a part of my life and calling me your friend. And— for ever coming to get my school reports just because I couldn't let my parents to see the Homeroom Teacher (ha! you know why). I hope you know now how much it meant and still means to me.
Keep the signs coming, we all love them and to be honest, we need them. I may have lost a friend on this planet but I have gained the most incredible guardian angel I could have asked for.
p.s. if we can't meet again in Heaven, I don't mind seeing you in hell tho! lol.
p.p.s. save me some spaces up there, i'll see you in a while—
December 10, 2014
love, Alika.
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