find something you love and let it kill you
April 21, 2020
To put your trust in someone
is like handing someone a knife that would slit your throat anytime they wish.
I never believed in anyone but myself. And as far as I'm concerned, until now, I still believe in me and myself only. Even the closest people in my life only gets to the point where I let them just be in it. I find it hard to trust even the slightest thing. It's as if I would be damaged for life if I ever trust anything in this life. I don't know how this happened. I'm still searching for the reason that I believe happened years ago. Today I asked myself, "What is the point of keeping someone so close if you don't even trust them?" I was so angry at myself that all I can do is cry. I never trusted people who said that crying isn't a sign of weakness. Of course it is a sign of weakness, because your heart clench. You feel like something is slowly pushing your heart, it hurts. It hurts when you cry. And when you are hurt, you are weak.
I remember making list of rules for me that I silently applied to everyone I care about. I trust them. But again, it's not possible to fix other people. This made me realize how I will always be hard on trusting things. Should I, or should I not go on with this rule I made. I have no idea. So today, I'm telling myself to believe Me. And only me. For the rest of my life. At least until someone would be brave enough to say, "This is good. This is right. I will try to gain your trust in whatever way possible."
Whoever that is, please come quick. I don't want to make any stupid decisions. I want to end up okay.
Until then—
please come quickly, save me.
April 21, 2020.
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